So, we’ve had our nice alternative Christmas dinner. Everyone filled up with spoo, noodles and spice? Please do seek medical attention if you have a sudden urge to try and take over a planet or fold space-time in the local vicinity. With the nice, there must always be the naughty, and while some of the foods in the previous list may have had some unwanted side-effects, none of this list are things you would want to eat or serve your guests. Ever.
Soylent Green – Soylent Green
Starting off with the granddaddy of all horrible sci-fi foods, we have Soylent Green. A mass-produced ration for the overcrowded, overheated, overpopulated world of this 21st century dystopia, this replacement for Soylents “Red” and “Yellow”, this one is supposedly made of “high energy plankton” from the sea and is supposed to be more nutritious and better tasting than the previous two. Just one small problem: the plankton are extinct and Soylent Green is – well, it’s you. You, and your parents, and your neighbours, and their neighbours, and the people down the street. Always remember what the man said – Soylent Green IS PEOPLE.
Nutrient Goop/Breakfast of Champions – The Matrix
Described as “a single-cell protein combined with synthetic aminos, vitamins and minerals”, the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar in The Matrix would probably consider Soylent Green a step up. Resembling something akin to a bowl of snot, this unappetising food was all the liberated humans had to live on. You can rather forgive Cypher for handing over the crew in exchange for a steak dinner after spending nine years eating this repulsive foodstuff, even if the feel, taste and smell of the food was all just an illusion created within the Matrix.
Gagh – Star Trek
Gagh is one of those things that you can only assume started off as a drunken bet, a challenge between some rowdy Klingons to see who could eat the most disgusting thing without throwing up or chickening out in front of their comrades. Gagh is certainly right up there as one of the most disgusting things you would ever want to put in your mouth. What is it? Well… it’s worms. Serpent worms. Preferably served live and squirming, though if you wanted to show what a cowardly pet’aqh you were, you could also have them stewed. It doesn’t help with the look, but at least they’re not moving around the bowl. There are also reputed to be at least 51 different types of gagh, but before you get your hopes up, they’re all still just bowls of worms.
Protein Block – Snowpiercer
The staple food of the lower classes stuck in the rear of the ever moving train “The Rattling Ark”, these are doled out to the passengers by armed guards. Long, black, viscous, jelly-like things, the passengers react with horror and anger when they realise that while the upper class at the front of the train eat real food, they are being kept alive with these blocks that are made up of pulverised, treated insects. You can’t really blame them for rioting, can you?
The Stuff – The Stuff
If there is one takeaway from both The Stuff and the Gears of War franchise, it is that if you find vast quantities of a previously unknown white substance under the ground, you should immediately kill it with fire. Under NO circumstances should it be used as a fuel or, as in this case, a foodstuff, as it will inevitably end up turning you into a race of mindless, shambling zombies. It might be tasty, it might look like yoghurt, your family and friends may all try to make you eat it, but under no circumstances should you touch the Stuff, or the follow-up product “The Taste”. The one thing you should always, always keep in mind when dealing with either of these products is “Are you eating it, or is it eating you?”