Paul and Po brawl to a near-standstill, more like Arthur the Prince, One Life is not spent attending The American Society of Magical Negroes, and Other Box Office News.
It’s not very often nowadays that we see a genuine, hard-fought, close-knit battle for the #1 spot on the chart from two films that you can genuinely call Hits. Where the figures are in the strong-eights rather than the scraping-sevens and both films are still in their moneymaking prime rather than holding court over the rest of the chart pretty much by default cos everything else has splatted out.
OK, most everything else has splatted out, and we’ll get to those, but that’s not to take away from both Kung Fu Panda 4 and Dune: Part Two slugging it out for we chart-watchers’ amusement! Panda in its sophomore frame, Dune in its whatever-we-call-the-third-of-something frame, both posting excellent holds from last weekend (48.3% and 37% drops respectively). In the end, Po currently has Paul just about beat monetarily, $30 mil dead to $29.1 mil. But I think we can all agree that the real winner has been cinema cos, let’s be real, it’s not like Madame Web was getting the job done.
READ MORE: Dawn of the Dead (2004) – Throwback 20
And neither, in all honesty, were the new releases. As is often the case the week before a giant franchise blockbuster, the midrange studios opted to send their dead men walking into the minefield of lowered expectations in hopes they’d maybe manage the crossing with at least a few limbs left intact. Alas, no such luck. Taking third place by default, like Imaginary did last week, is Arthur the King, a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with King Arthur but has performed about as well as any King Arthur movie regardless.
Mark Wahlberg’s dog-assisted adventure racing biopic limped on home with $7.5 million. Similarly limping onto the chart, we have The American Society of Magical Negroes, a movie which bravely asks the question “what if The Adjustment Bureau was home to even more missed potential?” To my great surprise, that’s not a logline which won many people over and the film crashed and burned in ninth with $1.25 million, just barely crossing the $1,000 PTA from its 1,147 screens.
One up from that we have One Life, a bit of BAFTA Bait which failed so hard that everybody involved didn’t even try to make it jump to the big leagues of failed Oscar Bait, hence the random-ass weekend in March release. Still, never underestimate the power of senior citizens who don’t get outwardly catered to this heavy in the US. One Life may have only reached eighth place with $1.7 million, but it’s sporting one of the better PTAs on this week’s chart; $1,738 from 983 theatres.
Lastly, Love Lies Bleeding expanded Wide to satisfy lesbians, neo-noir lovers, and perverted men who refuse to just be normal in public the nation over. As is often the case with A24 productions, the rapturous Limited Release reception last week became a lot colder and more muted when put in front of general audiences, but sixth place with $2.4 million is equal to Drive-Away Dolls’ start a few weeks back, so… wait, I don’t actually have a way to spin this as a positive sign. Fuck. Maybe everyone was staying away in case more chronic masturbaters infected their screenings? After all, nobody wants to go to a cinema they’re not 100% confident would survive a blacklight test.
(Full) Lis(t)an al Gaib!
US Box Office Results: Friday 15th March 2024 – Sunday 17th March 2024
1] Kung Fu Panda 4
$30,000,000 / $107,743,755
Seen a lot of people ragging on Awkwafina always being cast in animated roles despite never changing her very recognisable voice, like how we all ding Chris Pratt for not bothering to try imitating Mario or Garfield. On the one hand, and as a firm proponent of “let professional voice actors play main characters in theatrical animated features”, I get it! On the other hand, the fault can be equally laid at the feet of the direction for not expanding their talent pools or getting the actor to try a different voice. Awkwafina is in Migration and she delivers all of her lines there in a Bronx accent! Not a very good or consistent Bronx accent, but an attempt was made, so she is open to trying different voices! *insert your own joke about her controversial blaccent work in the past here*
2] Dune: Part Two
$29,100,000 / $205,317,917
It’s not new by any stretch of the term – the interview it was taken from was back in Feb 2022 after Part One’s release – but that quote going around of Grimes seeing herself in Lady Jessica and her son (whose incredibly stupid name I will not type out you cannot make me, I refuse) in Paul is indeed equal parts hilarious and disturbing. In fact, has anybody checked in with her now that Part Two’s out to see if she still feels that way? I bet she made it through ten pages of Frank Herbert’s book before giving up, so the way both Jessica and Paul’s arcs play out will be entirely fresh to her.
3] Arthur the King
$7,500,000 / NEW
Dogs are good. …there was gonna be more to this bit, but I don’t want us to get sued. Whereas “dogs are good” I feel is the kind of statement we can all agree on and not need to risk getting any lawyers involved with.
4] Imaginary
$5,600,000 / $19,081,668
Two weeks ago, it was announced that Akira Toriyama, the legendary Japanese manga artist and character designer, had died. Aged 68, he left an incalculable impact on the medium of manga, the worldwide cultural reception to the form, and the lives of millions of his fans. Amy Walker was one such fan aching from the loss and she penned a few words in tribute.
5] Cabrini
$2,814,183 / $13,003,109
60% drop from last week, so I guess we can count an Angel Studios release out when it opens with a faceplant.
6] Love Lies Bleeding
$2,485,650 / $2,762,268
Not out in the UK until the beginning of May. MAY! This act of homophobia SHALL NOT STAND, LIONSGATE & A24! You will never know peace or heaven!
7] Bob Marley: One Love
$2,300,000 / $93,365,002
Barely a movie. Lashana Lynch needs to stop being the best part of bad or boring movies and start being allowed to be the best part of great movies. We are wasting a potential generational talent, here.
8] One Life
$1,708,813 / NEW
Since the awards bait failed, I can say this without getting yelled at for being too mean: anybody who wanted Anthony Hopkins to get an acting nomination for this is really just insecure about the reality that their Dad is going to die someday. I’m sorry, but all he does in this movie is dodder around, looking every one of his 86 years, and occasionally cry a bit. Y’all were projecting your own insecurities onto a man who looks as old as he is and that terrified you! Which it should, because death and the idea of our parents dying is terrifying! But that’s not the same thing as a man acting!
Anyway, the film was intolerable mawkish dogshit and the worst thing I’ve seen so far this year. Yes, worse than Mean Girls (2024) and Madame Web.
9] The American Society of Magical Negroes
$1,250,000 / NEW
Since I previously brought up Drive-Away Dolls, which debuted in ninth a few weeks back as mentioned, when was the last time you watched The Hudsucker Proxy? Maybe it’s worth revisiting. Leslie Byron Pitt did so for the 30th anniversary.
10] Ordinary Angels
$1,000,000 / $18,072,921
We’re continuing to work through a bunch of the recent Second Sight catalogue additions, one of which being Brandon Cronenberg’s acclaimed debut, Possessor, which you may have originally missed since it first released in the middle of that pandemic hole. Dave Bond is here to tell you not to make that same mistake again.
Dropped out: Madame Web, Migration, YOLO, Wonka