The WWE like to proclaim SummerSlam as being “THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE SUMMER,” a line that they only repeated about 47 million times over the course of the PPV. If SummerSlam is a party, therefore, then SummerSlam 2018 was the kind of party that goes on forever, kills a pretty good vibe every 20 or so minutes by chasing the coolest party mix with a Fast Food Rockers medley, the host only hangs out with the extremely boring jocks who keep winning rigged games out of little more than spite, everyone actively goes out of their way to prevent definitive memories from being made, two egotistical twits no-one’s seen in forever and who aren’t talking to anybody keep commandeering the mic to pimp their social media profiles, nobody wants to be there, and you’re ultimately left wistfully thinking back to the smaller, hotter, and infinitely better party you went to 24 hours earlier wishing that could’ve just pulled an encore instead.
It was bad. I don’t want to be That Guy, because it’s basically the hoariest of hoary Internet Wrestling Community clichés to go “NXT is running circles the size of Jupiter around main roster PPVs.” It also wasn’t as utterly bamboozlingly garbage as many other WWE PPVs have been so far in 2018, often maintaining at least a baseline level of watchability for most of the SIX HOUR PROGRAMME whilst there were a few legitimate high points that need no qualifiers… but this was mostly bad. SummerSlam 2018 often had quality in-ring storytelling but was ultimately squashed by, fittingly enough, a shockingly high number of squash matches for what the WWE have been trying to position as WrestleMania’s equal, and an absolutely deflating number of stupid or non-finishes that caused almost the entire 3 hours between the Intercontinental bout and Rousey’s demolishing of Alexa Bliss to feel pointless. I may have only started watching WWE back in the dark ages of 2010, but even I still remember when these Big 4 PPVs were used as feud ENDERS instead of feud STARTERS and feud STALLERS!
Still, I committed to this assignment and I don’t have Twitter anymore so where else am I going to piss and moan about professional wrestling? Strap in, folks, we’re gonna run down the highs and lows (mostly lows) of SummerSlam 2018! For a more representative experience, throw your computer down a flight of stairs every time you reach the penultimate paragraph of each segment and then, when you pick it all back up, skip to the next one instead of finishing reading the current bit! Also remember Flo Rida is a person who exists for the first time in like half a frickin’ decade!