On this special Sunday edition of Monday Night RAW…
Since I’ve brought them up and we’ve still got another 3 proper segments to get through, let’s dispatch with all the filler nonsense in one easy-to-digest bundle, shall we?
Braun Strowman defended his Money in the Bank briefcase privileges against Kevin Owens. This match got an extended video package that was approximately twice as long as the match itself. Prior to the bell ringing, I expressed my belief (to no-one in particular) that this should have ended within 30 seconds when somebody like Jinder Mahal ran out, kicked Owens in the dick, and resultantly, as per the stipulation of “if Braun loses in any capacity…” gifting Owens the briefcase through smart dastardly heel shenanigans. Instead, the match ended in just under two minutes with Braun squashing Owens effortlessly, the latter only getting in one superkick that Braun sold like the former Universal Champion was Nicholas. Utter garbage.
Finn Bálor stomped Constable Corbin in 90 seconds because he decided to demon-up despite this being a nothing match in a nothing feud with Baron Corbin. I’ll admit to briefly popping, because I have a Pavlovian response to the best theme song in modern professional wrestling and any and all appearances of the demon, but I just don’t get the “why” with regards to any part of this. It’s a cheap-ass pop, one that worked given that it resulted in the second-loudest crowd reaction of the entire otherwise-uncomfortably quiet night, in a pointless feud that maybe at least will finally END now? Best part came in a brief backstage segment in the pre-show when actual Brits Paige and The Artist Formerly Known as Rockstar Spud roasted Corbin by observing that Constables haven’t been a thing in the UK for decades. Dammit, stop making me give props to the pre-show!
In between AJ/Joe and Bryan/Miz, Elias came out, made to play a song, broke his own guitar, got multiple mumbled uncensored “fucks” onto a TV-PG show before the segment just stopped in five minutes of my life I will never get back. *cue Krusty the Clown “what the hell was that gif*
Meanwhile, on a show apparently lacking in the time and creativity to craft proper endings to five separate matches across a 6-hour event, the Bella Twins got three prominent segments where they said nothing of any value, got booed out of the building when they emphatically stated that they were too busy focussing on their TV show and YouTube channels to think about going back to wrestling, claimed they were the vanguards of the #WomensRevolution like Jeff Goldblum at the end of Thor: Ragnarok, Brie laughably failed to convince as a real human being when talking to her actual husband, and they celebrated Ronda Rousey’s title win in the ring with her despite the three having shared no on-screen history prior to that moment. Sasha Banks couldn’t get on the card in any capacity despite the PPV emanating from Brooklyn. And neither twin had the decency to turn on the other for old time’s sake! “I WISH YOU’D DIED IN THE WOMB!”
Finally, Shinsuke Nakamura defended his United States Championship against broken-down rusted-out jalopy Jeff Hardy in a passable Hour 2 RAW match. Jeff, despite being 40 and open about how he and his brother Matt are basically crippled by this point from a lifetime of recklessly flinging their bodies off and onto stuff, hit a Swanton Bomb onto the ring-apron – THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING™ – and I just felt kind of ill watching it because he already looks like he might cark it at any second, we don’t need to increase that likelihood! Best part was when Randy Orton came out after the match and aborted his run-in on the beaten-down Hardy, deliberately wasting everybody’s time, because Troll Orton is Best Orton. Added up, that’s an hour of PPV that was absolutely pointless, or half of a 6-hour card if you fold in the pre-show. Once again, this is supposed to be the second-biggest PPV of the year.
But, and just go with me on this, what if we could bundle all of these negatives together into one segment, introduce some Chemical X into the equation, and come out with a legitimate positive?