Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ UP!
Across the two-hour SummerSlam pre-show, there were three matches, totalling 24 minutes of wrestling bell-to-bell, all of which ended in roll-ups that did absolutely nothing to advance their respective stories, and all taking place in front of a half-empty stadium with a Barclays Center that couldn’t give a toss. Meanwhile, on the previous night’s TakeOver, across that same two-hour period there were four completed matches, totalling 62 minutes of wrestling bell-to-bell, only one of which ended in a roll-up and all of which were logical decisive endings to that point in their respective stories, taking place in front of a fully-seated white-hot Barclays Center that was into every last second. Look, I promise that I won’t bring up TakeOver: Brooklyn 4 for the rest of this article, but that’s damning, right? And I know that somebody’s going to do the whole “apples to oranges” thing, but I want to counter that our main show also had two non-finishes to major matches, three squashes, three goddamn Bella Twin segments, an Elias segment that accomplished literally nothing, and an Hour 2 RAW match. All on the second-biggest PPV of the year. Excuse me for feeling salty and trying to hold this company to higher standards.
Right, let’s bash these out quickfire because it’s not like WWE put any effort into them. Rusev Day fought Andrade “Cien” Almas & Zelina Vega for the billionth time and, in a shocking diversion from the past months’ worth of storytelling where Rusev Day loses because Aiden English runs out to help but accidentally distracts them, this time English stays backstage when told to and… Rusev Day gets distracted and rolled up for the loss. Cedric Alexander defended his Cruiserweight Title against Drew Gulak and that was… fine, I guess? I don’t keep up with 205 Live because there’s already too much wrestling to deal with each week – and that’s all before the Mae Young Classic returns and NXT UK finally starts up – and WWE has done a terrible job of making the poor Cruiserweights feel like they matter, so the miniscule crowd doesn’t care, an advert runs in the middle of the match, and it ends with a goddamn roll-up victory for Alexander that came off super sloppy. Finally, The B-Team beat The Revival to retain the RAW Tag Team Championships by, get this, lucking into a roll-up within 6 minutes.
Can… can I get a replay of that bit in TakeOver where Tyler Bate deadlift German-suplexed Rodrick Strong whilst Kyle O’Reilly had him locked in a sleeper-hold, please?
Anyone else in the Undisputed Era wanna have a go at @Tyler_Bate?
— TDE Wrestling (@totaldivaseps) August 18, 2018
Aaaaaaahhhhh, that’s better.